blue christmas

I often get depressed around the holidays. This time has been no exception. There always seems to be two sides of every story. My heart is full because I have a wonderful wife, a place to call home, a job I look forward to going to every day, and people who seem to think that I have potential for doing something good in this world.

Then, on the other hand, my heart is heavy at times and I can't quite shake the depression. I know I can, but it's hard. I thank the Lord every day for what he's given me, but in these bouts of depression, I find it hard to see the good in my life. I know it's there, and I'm glad it's there - I guess I just need the extra push once in a while to get there.

I think Holli and I have made tremendous strides in our marriage. There's not a day that goes by that we don't tell each other "I love you" several times a day. I come home, and there's someone caring, understanding and compassionate there each day. What more could someone ask for?

Holli and I sort of fell into each other's lap. I saw her, she saw me. I liked her, she liked me. Throw in some major dating detours with a bit of patience, a significant kiss, and some time, and we had the perfect recipe for something good...something great. We're not ones to ever disagree with our church leaders, but when we hear the "There's no such thing as pre-destined marriage or soul-mates," we often beg to differ in our situation. We don't know how we'd cope without one another at this point. I've spent no more than five days apart from her in our nearly two years of marriage, and it's hard for me every time. Last January I was in New York City to attend to some business, and I actually stayed up all night because I couldn't sleep (which clearly didn't bode very well when I got home and went back to work).

We've had our fair share of trials - trials moreso that affect a loved one that, in turn, have affected us. It's been hard. We were stupified, but mostly sad. But Holli has such a great spirit about her, she's been my support through the whole thing. I am simply amazed by her strength.

It seems as if I have already lived several lives (I'm sure you're all asking rhetorically "Haven't we all?") There have been times in my life where I didn't like myself very much, mostly because I knew I wasn't living a life that I should've been. Time does heal and help, I guess, and I've been fortunate enough to have served an honorable, full-time mission, be sealed in the temple, and serve faithfully in the church. I've managed to become someone I like again.

I have wonderful friends - both long known and recently acquainted - who've been a great blessing in my life. I have a family who loves me, even though my pride gets in the way and we fail to communicate effectively. A family that I can say has many faults, but probably none greater than mine. I married into a family that sometimes I feel I don't deserve - people so caring and good to me that I've teared up and all out cried just thinking about how good they are to me. I'm grateful for all of my fathers - my Heavenly Father, my own father, my father-in-law, my grandfathers and all other second and surrogate fathers, and I'm grateful that they've taught me things that I'll teach my children.

When I've given it enough time and thought - and put it into words - when it comes down to it, I have an infinite list of things to be grateful for.

And I am.