Dear Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes,

I am writing you publicly to ask you to kindly remove yourselves from American television appearances. Frankly, we don't have easy access to the small vomit bags commonly found aboard airplanes, and most of us are unwilling to run to the bathroom in time to save ourselves from an apparent embarrassment.

The cutesy canoodling that you have subjected us to over the past few months has not only changed our impressions of you both, but rather than promote your movies (War of the Worlds and Batman Begins, respectively), you have encapsulated the world in a Paris Hilton-like charade that makes us only want more, and further diverted our attention from your movies. In fact, it has come to our attention that Katie has been dropped from the next movie in the Batman series almost exclusively because of this. Well, that's ok, because she's going to need a heck of a lot of time to study up on Scientology.

And Tom, in all actuality, all I really see in your publicity stunt you call a relationship is Maverick and Pacey's girlfriend, or even better, Jerry Maguire meets Pieces of April...in all of that, plus your PDA's, we all find something a little disturbing. I'm sure that much of the American public is in agreement with me on the fact that you can make your own choices...however, after losing Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz (ahem, two of the most beautiful women on the planet), we're starting to question your motives on swiping up Dawson's Creek's biggest overachiever. Well, Kudos to you, Mr. Mapother (that is your real name, right?), but just marry the girl and get off my TV screen.

Thanks,

John